Every politician says something like “I’ll create jobs, while my opponent will strangle jobs in their sleep.” But you can only hear it so many times before you tune out, so we don’t blame campaign ads for trying to get creative. It’s just that sometimes the people in charge clearly wanted to make an arthouse movie instead of political campaign ad. Which is how we end up with stuff like …
5. Herman Cain’s Horrifying “Sick Of Stimulus” Series
Think back to the Before Times, consult your cave drawings and review your oral history of the 2012 presidential election: Herman Cain was the dubiously successful businessman turned inexperienced politician who captured a ridiculous amount of support and media attention with his weird, impractical ideas… before sexual harassment allegations made everyone come to their senses. It’s a saga that looks delightfully quaint today. As per standard, he went on hiatus for three months before making his comeback with a series of YouTube commercials dubbed “Sick of Stimulus.” They targeted the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, so naturally, they featured a little girl who… tortures… animals?
“They voted for Obama. They had to go.”
Confused? So was everyone else. The first ad starts off with a goldfish minding its own business.
The fish is then thrown out of its bowl while we hear the girl declare “This is the economy.” Is it, Herman? The goldfish thrashes around, doing what fish do when they’re not in water. But right when it seems as though our friend has reached the end of the line, the girl splashes it with some muddy water and says, “This is the economy on stimulus.”
The camera pans up to the girl’s cold stare, and she asks, “Any questions?” Then we close on a zoomed-out shot of her standing in the middle of a burnt landscape, yelling the same question as if the radiation poisoning has really started to eat away at her brain.
“Yes. Did you bury your parents in the basement or under the patio?”
People were confused, especially since the ad didn’t suggest any policy changes. It simply prompted viewers to visit Cain’s site, where they were asked to donate to Cain Solutions (presumably a goldfish support group). Reveling in the public’s response to their animal torture, for their next ad, the Cain camp upped their game with a rabbit.
The stakes are higher because it’s much more difficult to flush a dead rabbit down the toilet.
The ad begins with the same girl holding a rabbit while saying, “This is small business.” She puts the rabbit down before continuing, “This is small business under the current tax code.” Then this happens:
Truly, Herman Cain was in touch with regular Americans, who are forever comparing taxes to catapulted rabbits.
The third ad in this series portrays the American taxpayer as a chicken farmer and big government as the chickens he feeds. The chickens soon eat the farmer, even though in the last ad, the taxpayer was the cute animal and the man was The Man. A mixed metaphor like that can ruin such an otherwise-coherent message.
And yes, there’s our little demon child standing next to the farmer’s dead body, idly wondering if anyone has any questions.
“How has your true father, the Prince of Lies, influenced your career?”
If you’re wondering what Herman Cain’s political career looks like today, sickofstimulus.com is currently occupied by four brief pieces of Thai erotica, all of which somehow offer superior economic insight.
4. Dan Helmer Goes Top Gun In A Karaoke Ad
Virginian Democrat Dan Helmer is running against Barbara Comstock for Congress in 2018, and in late 2017 he dropped a campaign ad that would get even the staunchest progressive voting Republican.
“I’ve feel the need. The need to dweeb!”
Helmer arrives at a bar on his motorcycle. His wife, Karen, tells him that Comstock is there, and she challenges Helmer to get Comstock to hold a town hall. Helmer responds, “Town hall? I can do you one better than that.” Then he adds “we’ve lost that loving feeling,” immediately disproving his claim. Even his wife tells him that this is a bad idea, but her plea falls on tone deaf ears, as Helmer grabs a microphone and launches into the song. But get this, the lyrics have a political twist!
You know it’s sad when that dude’s hat isn’t the saddest thing in here.
The entire bar joins in the chorus, making it unclear why Comstock was hanging out in a venue that caters exclusively to alcoholic Democrats who have nothing better to do than get karaoke drunk on a weekday afternoon. Their participation does not improve matters.
They keep this up until Comstock leaves the bar, which proves a point about the economy or whatever. The ad ends with Karen saying, “Good job, Dan,” to which Helmer replies, “Thanks, Maverick.”
“Wait, what? Dan, do you even remember Top Gun?”
3. The Michigan Republican Party’s Sharknado Ad
This attack ad on Michigan Democrat Gary Peters, featuring tornadoes, flying sharks, and bad CGI, was a desperate attempt by the Republicans to stay relevant ahead of the 2014 midterms. Laboring under the misbegotten belief that people weren’t already sick of hearing about Sharknado, the 30-second ad starts with Peters’ head plastered on a cartoon body, making him look like Nedry from Jurassic Park.
As he stands on the beach, a voice narrates: “Dark clouds are gathering, and Gary Peters is in the eye of the storm.” It goes on to claim that Peters is funded by a convicted felon who is connected to a loan shark ring run by an international gangster. It’s a serious accusation that’s completely undercut by the “baby’s first Flash animation” style.
No Strong. Just Bad.
Even more cringeworthy than the effects is the attempt to wrangle “Loan Sharknado” into the Coherent Pun Corral. Somehow even worse than that is this revelation: after learning about the dodgy dealings behind his campaign funders, Peters returned those contributions years ago. The GOP might’ve been better off using the $50 spent on this ad to do some fact-checking instead. Peters won, and is still serving today.
Presumably while using this as his screensaver.
2. David Dewhurst Parodies “Let It Go”
David Dewhurst is the former lieutenant governor of Texas, and in the 2014 primary he ran against Tea Party candidate Dan Patrick, aka Dannie Goeb, who worked in radio and television during the ’70s and ’80s. Dewhurst released a bizarre video featuring a cutout of Patrick performing a confessional song in which he “comes clean” about changing his name and having a career in the entertainment industry, both of which are apparently unspeakable sins. Oh, and it’s a “Let It Go” parody, because Dewhurst hates this world and everything that lives in it.
He’s just Deworst.
We’re also treated to footage of Patrick/Goeb doing some kind of stage performance straight out of the ’70s, as though aging is just another of his great deceptions.
This was not the shocking expose that Dewhurst had been hoping for, as Patrick had been very open about changing his name, and not even modern American voters could bring themselves to find a scandal in this. Dewhurst went on to lose his reelection bid. As he deserved to, both because he apparently refused to run on any actual issues, and because he left “The Lyin’ King” right there.
1. Ted Cruz Ruins Office Space
In 2016, the Cruz campaign targeted Hillary Clinton and her email scandal by parodying the iconic Office Space scene, wherein our disgruntled heroes wreck their useless office printer.
In Cruz’s ad, Clinton goes to town on a computer while “Damn It Feels Good To Be A Clinton” plays. Get it? It’s a parody of Geto Boys’ “Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta” from, uh … a completely different Office Space scene.
This was all a jab at an FBI report that revealed Clinton’s aides destroyed two of her malfunctioning mobile phones.
The single worst act a potential president could commit.
The only problem is that the parody wants us to view Clinton as an entitled elitist, even though in Office Space, the scene is a small rebellion against the system by trod-upon, sympathetic characters. Maybe someone should explain this movie to Ted Cruz.
“OK, first off, what’s that word mean? ‘Sympathetic’?”
Cruz also clearly wanted to score Cool Points by aping the Geto Boys song, but the group publicly denounced Cruz’s ad on the biggest platform built solely for public denouncements: Twitter.
One member also appeared on Yahoo News to call the ad “blasphemy.” Maybe someone needs to sit Cruz down and explain the movie. And then pop culture. And then humanity in general. Try to use numbers.
Life is full of misunderstandings. This is even more true for entertainers, whose lives are much stranger — and stupider — than ours. In fact, sometimes these misunderstandings go way past “Oh, I didn’t know that I had to pay my taxes every year” and move into the realm of the extreme, the absurd, and the downright fatal. Look at how …
5. Tupac’s Pals Only Thought They Smoked His Ashes
Rapper Tupac Shakur was a real, fleshy man before he graduated to hologrammathy, and when he was alive he ran with a group called the Outlawz. Like any good crew, the Outlawz loved Tupac, and when he was murdered, they wanted to honor his memory. This meant smoking him, as one does. For context, Tupac rapped the line “smoke my ashes” in the song “Black Jesus,” which his crew took as a literal last request.
Tupac was cremated, and according to Outlawz member E.D.I. Mean and others, the very next day they went to the beach to send their friend off in style with chicken wings, drinks, and most importantly some pot. This was the most important part because they rolled up Tupac’s ashes in the weed and smoked it. At least, that’s what they thought until Tupac’s mother disputed the claim that any of her son’s ashes left her possession. And so the obvious question became “Uh, whose ashes did you smoke, then?”
A statement from E.D.I. Mean implies that the cremains were either someone else’s that they had merely mistaken for Tupac’s (obtained from … where?), or maybe not ashes at all? Either way, the fact remains that they smoked what they believed were specifically identified human remains and later learned that was not the case. This raises so many questions, and no one is talking. Where did they get the ashes from? Why did they think they were Tupac’s? Did they smoke a stranger? There are many possible answers, and none of them are good.
4. Ozzy Osbourne Didn’t Realize He Was Biting A Real Bat’s Head Off
Remember Ozzy Osbourne? He was a musician before he became the phantom that haunts the abandoned amusement park that used to be MTV. But way back when he was still a musician, he had some pretty intense stage shows. This is no more evident than with the one that took place in 1982, during which he bit a bat’s head off onstage. So before we continue, let’s just get this out of the way: Fuck you, Ozzy Osbourne. You’re gross.
The journey to the bat-biting has some debatable details, though. For instance, this incident happened in Des Moines, and the city’s local paper commemorated it 25 years after the fact with an article that heavily featured the input of Mark Neal. Neal was 17 in 1982, when the bat his brother had brought home a few weeks earlier died. Neal, knowing Osburne’s penchant for eating things (he’d previously bitten the head off a dove), put the bat in a bag and brought it to the show. Then he hurled the half-rotten bat onstage, where Ozzy chomped down on it like a cartoon rabbit with a carrot.
To hear Ozzy tell it, the bat was actually alive at the time, but he had assumed it was a rubber prop. So he did what any man with a rubber bat does: He tried to eat it. It was only then, as gloop filled his mouth and the head twitched, that he realized it was a live bat. Ha ha, the ol’ “Oh shit. The fake bat I’m eating is actually alive” mix-up. Classic!
I’m going to assume the owners of the bat were correct in believing it dead, and that the thing thrashing around was Ozzy’s freaked-out imagination playing tricks on him. What know for sure is that Ozzy thought it wasn’t real at all, then realized it very much was real, and went to a hospital to make sure his internal organs weren’t now crawling with rabies. Also, can I point out that it’s not exactly sanitary to bite a fake bat that a stranger has thrown at you? There’s like an 80 percent chance they’ve have had it up their butt.
3. People Keep Mistaking Comedians’ Heart Attacks For Comedy Bits
What’s the funniest gag in the history of comedy? The old squirting boutonniere? The spinning bow tie? You may not be aware of it, but there’s a recurring bit that seems to always get laughs: dying of a heart attack in public. It takes some prep, and I’m not convinced anyone’s ever done an encore performance, but it happens more than it should. Comedians have heart attacks, and people laugh because they think it’s a joke.
If you’re too young to know Sanford And Son, you need to Google that and have a watch, because that was funny shit. And one of star Redd Foxx’s classic bits was dramatically clutching his chest, pretending to have a heart attack. So when Foxx was doing rehearsal for a new show in 1991 and started having a heart attack for real, the cast and crew enjoyed the hilarious spectacle of an old man painfully dying in front of them until he was well and truly fucked. Apparently it was only when the joke got old that paramedics were called. He died four hours later. Rimshot!
The same ridiculous thing happened to comedian Tommy Cooper in 1984, and it happened on live TV. Cooper, a magician and comedian, was on a variety show called Live From Her Majesty’s. His assistant had brought out a big ugly robe and helped him into it, and he was playing up the pervy “Hey, a hot lady is helping me get dressed” angle. The audience laughed. Cooper then fell to the floor on his ass. The audience laughed. He slumped backwards. The audience laughed. He produced a snort. They laughed. Cut to commercial.
Near as anyone can tell from watching it, none of it was part of the act, despite everyone thinking it was. He was just having his heart attack. He was dead before he got to the hospital. Once you’ve finished slapping your knee, let’s move to the next paragraph!
Dick Shawn, a comedian who was famous in the ’60s, was performing on stage at UC San Diego when he collapsed right in front of his audience due to a heart attack. Now here’s a fun thing to do: Imagine you’re at a comedy show, and the comedian takes what you think is a hilarious pratfall. How long do you let him lie there motionless before intervening? One minute? Two? It was five. Poor, not-joking Shawn was laid out for a solid fiver before someone thought, “This joke has been going on for a whi- OH DEAR GOD.”
This is worth keeping in mind if people ever tell you that you’re funny. If something bad happens to you, you’re screwed, and the last thing you hear will be laughter.
2. Cops Opened Fire On An Actor Playing A Robber
Calling the cops in 2018 seems to be like a game of Russian Roulette. Will it be a helpful interaction, or will you get shot a whole bunch of times? For this reason, it’s probably not wise to go around pretending to be an armed criminal, even if you’re just shooting a movie. Running into a street with a gun and a ski mask is just asking for bad news regardless of the situation, but it can be slightly improved if you let the cops know beforehand.
If you’re reading this article on a Blackberry or whatever and can’t watch this video, it’s body camera footage from Indiana cops who see actor Jim Duff exiting a bar wearing a ski mask. The cops yell at him to drop his shit, he yells that he’s filming a movie, and they shoot at his ass anyway.
Luckily for Duff, the cop was a bad shot, so his brains stayed in his head. Once the cops became aware that the man was just an actor, and then fired a shot, and then listened to what he said, the matter was quickly cleared up. But let that be a lesson to you kids out there: Please tell the cops ahead of time if you’re filming a movie. Do this even if your movie doesn’t involve guns — it doesn’t take much to make the neighbors nervous these days.
1. Video Game Companies Keep Triggering Bomb Squad Calls
To promote the release of their game Watch Dogs, Ubisoft had the clever idea to send swag to some local newsrooms. The swag arrived in a tiny little safe that required an electronic combination, and inside was a copy of the game and some hats. But to get the combination, you needed to check your voicemail for a message from Ubisoft. However, the employees at the Ninemsn office in Australia didn’t have access to voicemail when they got the safe, so they just punched in random numbers.
And then the safe started beeping.
Now, in 2018, it’s obvious why a beeping mystery package in a newsroom is a bad idea, but it was still a bad idea back in 2014. The news team shit a collective kitten and called in the bomb squad. On the upside, no one blew up. And on another upside, they got a free copy of Watch Dogs, which is a pretty good game. There was no downside, unless you count the brief fear of exploding — and if you’re like me, you have that every day anyway.
This is hardly the first time that weaponization of video game merch got someone in hot water. Some guy in Ireland, likely in an effort to achieve max cool, had tricked out his Xbox 360 controller with some custom buttons. You can buy them on Amazon for $10. They looked like bullets! Isn’t that cool? Bullets!
Except when the controller got left in an abandoned house and the next person to enter saw a pile of ammunition lying around, they called the cops. Now sure, that sounds like a bit of an overreaction to an Xbox controller with half-bullets sticking out of it, but then again, why in the hell would that even be a thing? “Improvised booby trap” is just as reasonable an explanation as what it actually turned out to be.
The bomb squad showed up and the property was cordoned off as investigators sent in their greatest Xbox disposal technicians to ensure that there was no threat to the public. The lesson: All gaming companies should strive to make sure their gear is so badass that it makes everyone who sees it think they’re going to die.
For most men, approaching a woman is a nightmare. As the great Henry Cavill told GQ, “Well, I don’t want to go up and talk to her, because I’m going to be called a rapist or something.” And if Henry Cavill, a beautiful and wealthy movie star carved out of a fertility tree, is scared of women, then what hope do you have? Seriously, Henry Cavill looks like he was designed by panties scientists to stress-test fluid absorption. Henry Cavill would literally die if he tried to pick a lock or sneak, because he put every single one of his character points into Handsomeness. If Henry Cavill walked up to your wife and said, “Help, my penis was torn off by the 17 fully satisfied women behind me,” she would say, “Shut up, you had me at HELP MY PENIS.” I … Jesus, I forgot what the fuck I was doing. Oh, right. Starting an article about picking up ladies.
There are countless pussy gurus convinced that they know how to properly trick a woman into liking them, and I’ve come up with an erotic way to categorize them all. I call it the D.A.M.P. system, after the arousal fluid you may already be secreting. From across all media, I selected a ludicrous example of each type of pickup artist. But before we get started, please get your parents’ help to cut out and assemble your Don Diebel Lady Slaying glasses to decode the letters in D.A.M.P.!
Many men are too unfuckable to meet women but too cowardly to buy a human-like doll. This creates a volatile storm of unsatisfied urges capable of overpowering a mind already fragile from loneliness. They start to see vaginas as the prizes at the center of mazes guarded by evil lady minotaurs. After a man spends too much time in imaginary vagina mazes, they decide they must be experts, so they write advice books for other aspiring minotaur hunters.
Some of the shyest, most unused penises are attached to men of sanity, but with enough self-importance to share their theoretical “dating methods.” These authors are experts in sex in the same way a yellow belt is an expert in barehanded murder. They write basic, obvious advice for an audience that knows even less about romance, which is a demographic any census taker would describe as “N-no! This number is forbidden!!!” before vanishing in a puff of impossibility.
Some pickup gurus are certain that seduction is a metaphysical sport played with body language, mind powers, and subliminal messaging. These authors have absolutely tried hypnotizing someone into sex slavery, watched it fail, and then wrote a book on how to do it anyway.
Not all pickup artist books are written by lonely stupids. Some are written by single-minded men who have reduced human relationships to a repeatable theatrical procedure that ends in casual sex. Guides like this include field-tested and potentially effective tips to seem interesting enough to meet women. They are perfect for getting girls with low self-esteem to regret their mistakes with you before you die alone, your funeral attended only by the epidemiologist who gave your rotting groin mound the nickname “Lil’ Patient Zero.”
Now that we know the D.A.M.P. types of poontang hunting, let’s look at an example of each one! To recreate the unpredictability of women in the wild, the entries are in no particular order.
A.cademic: How to Pick Up Women Like An A**hole: Nice Guys Do Finish First If … By Willis Combs (2018)
The title of this book is a bit confusing. It isn’t for actual a**holes, but for “nice guys” who want to harness the seductive power of assholes. So the author has already face-planted into the most tired cliche of the no-pussy-getting community, and we’re not even past the title yet.
The book itself has no page numbers, and the author splinters every basic etiquette tip into dozens of numbered and unnumbered bullet points, so navigating the thing is like sitting in a Chinese dumpster and frantically opening cookies. Except no, I’m making it sound too coherent. This book consists of the self-published ramblings of a pickup artist whose greatest sexual conquest is sharing a toothbrush with his aunt on a camping trip. These are the below-average observations of a love expert who ran out of ideas halfway into his first boner. If you hatched from an alien pod and squirted, “Blup! I must document these tittied bipeds before *blup* this toxic atmosphere kills me in *blup* five of what these creatures call minutes!” you would write more insightful guide to women than this.
Here’s a sample of unedited text from page maybe 30ish?
It’s not so much that the author is wrong or dumb or helplessly unable to proofread. He is, sure, but it’s more notable that there is literally no way to know less than him about picking up women. These are the very first thoughts to enter an unimaginative boy’s mind. And how do you type this badly when your fingers have never once been distracted by a clitoris? This book, no matter what your level of experience, is as pointless as one of the author’s erections. Here’s some more advice from the very same page. Again, I think it’s somewhere in the 30s, and again, I was careful to preserve all of his childlike mistakes.
The entire goddamn book is like this. He has the grammar of a disappointing four-year-old and the clumsy typing skills of a frequent masturbator who has relied too heavily on Pornhub’s predictive text. It’s like he accidentally printed the iPhone notes he wrote in the corner during his only trip to a bar.
To make matters worse, the stupid fuck can’t keep track of what advice he’s already given, so every other page offers up the insider chick hound tips of “making eye contact,” “asking questions,” and “acting confident.” He seriously describes these basic components of a conversation as if they’re life hacks 11 different times. Being the actual dumbest son of a bitch alive couldn’t explain this level of forgetfulness. It’s as if he has multiple personalities, but every single one of them is a virgin author. The closest this guy ever came to a dating insight was when he thought to scratch off the little face before he had sex with a jar of baby food.
It’s not unusual for self-published authors to be unhinged dipshits with no idea what they’re talking about, but this guy has a fun quirk. He’s writing a book for desperate losers to act more like douchebags for the purposes of not quite sexually assaulting drunk women, yet he puts little asterisks in the words “pussy” and “asshole” as if he’s in church. His mortal enemies are women who reject him, and he can’t bring himself to call them anything worse than “witches.” Who is he trying to impress? The endgame of this book is to get balls-deep in many strangers. If we’re on board for that, does he really think we’re going to be offended by a fully spelled “pussy”? You cute little bitch, that’s like refusing to eat a hitchhiker with a salad fork.
This book should be called How To Make $25.98 In Three Years By Writing Books For The Desperately Stupid. If you wrote a book called NONE TO SMALL AMOUNT: THE VOLUME OF DIARRHEA YOU SHOULD SPRAY ON A DATE, it would be more insightful and successful than this. And speaking of successful, I want to share a passage from page maybe 90?
Did … did the idiot hack who put together this amateurish trash just brag about being a television celebrity? I knew I had to learn more, so I Googled him. I can’t speak to his popularity as a TV star, but the search engine’s algorithm placed him as slightly less famous than a genealogy link to dead people who shared his name. But it did lead me to his YouTube channel, which at the time of this writing literally has more videos than subscribers. Willis has made dozens, maybe hundreds of videos for aspiring sex participants, and each of them has about 40 views. It’s like he’s trying to build a shrine to his own loneliness so grand that his penis can qualify for disability benefits.
Imagine if Willis was to really meet a woman and she saw his YouTube page. This guy’s entire media presence is like a bog of sorrow swallowing up the self-worth of any woman gross enough to touch him. Willis would have tripled his chances of getting laid if instead of making 20 million unwatched videos on approaching women and dealing with rejection, he just dug mannequins out of the trash until he found one that came to life. He’s actually more amazing than depressing, because you normally can’t be this bad at something without it killing you. Let’s move on.
P.ractical: Super Seducer: How To Talk To Girls (2018)
Super Seducer is a PC game meant to teach the player how to get women in any environment. “Game” is a generous term, though. It’s more like an interactive workplace harassment video in which you play the role of “What Not To Do.”
Each part starts with a live-action skit of a bad actress who makes worse career decisions who is going about her day pretending not to see the creep approaching her. Then the video pauses and you, the creep, choose what to do. It might surprise you that a choose-your-own adventure PC game about banging chicks didn’t attract the greatest writing talent, but almost all the options are either obviously wrong or pure lunacy. For instance, if you accost a woman in the grocery store, do you A: Offer a standing 69 by the ethnic food, B: Suggestively insert a banana in your anus, C: Whisper you have a knife, D: Remove your face and teeth, or E: Do something sexually aggressive that might work if you’re very handsome.
If you make the incorrect choice, which is both unlikely and mostly subjective, the game cuts to a clip of “renowned seduction guru Richard La Ruina” explaining why you were wrong. Maybe you’ll disagree. Maybe you’ll learn why you shouldn’t always pretend to be blind when you meet girls. Either way, you’re in the center slice of a Venn diagram between “The Involuntarily Celibate” and “PC Gamers,” so scoring well on a multiple-choice quiz might not be an adequate lifestyle change to get your dick game going.
Super Seducer was not well-received, since training nerds to think of real human women as trophies is kind of problematic. To the game’s credit, the ability to meet people is a valuable, trainable skill that can be used for good, and a business-like approach to penetration makes everyone’s intentions clear before feelings get hurt. No one is ever going to say, “I’m heartbroken. Remember the night we got hammered at Hole Pumpers and that bold pest in the eye makeup and fuzzy top hat told me I would be pretty if I smiled? It turns out he was only interested in sex!”
I believe in a woman’s right to make terrible choices, and casual sex is a fun and rewarding hobby, but Super Seducer focuses a lot on “Day Game.” That’s when you throw your dong into a woman’s life while she’s doing something like shopping or eating lunch. These are ladies who have not entered the “give it a shot” social contract of a dance club or a bikini car wash. I’m not saying you should never flirt with a woman outside of a bikini car wash, but if you bought this video game, sure I am. If you’re earnestly using Super Seducer techniques, don’t ever talk to women, because you’re either Henry Cavill already fishing for her G-spot or ruining some poor girl’s lunch.
Speaking of G-spots, it’s pretty telling that not a single section of this game is dedicated to what you do after you’ve manipulated your target into sex. It seems weird to assume a PC gamer who requires a product like this would already be a skillful and capable lover, so maybe there should be some kind of chapter on making the endgame pleasant for your victim? Having your tens of hours of seduction training culminate in several seconds of unlubricated, inaccurate stabbing seems like a finale no one will enjoy. At the very least, there should be tips on how to make the sex last longer than the apology. Super Seducer doesn’t even make it clear how many fingers you’re supposed to insert based on temperature and butt size!
M.agical: Pickup 101 Presents Body Language: The Best Way To Build Confidence (2006)
In this $99 guide to looking like a dickhead, “Sensei” Lance Mason, a noticeably deliberate and uncomfortable man, gives tips on how to appear less deliberate and uncomfortable. This would have been an ordinary waste of everyone’s time, except Lance has a friend named Nate. Nate rules. Nate somehow manages to make sitting, walking, or slightly shifting your weight look like the most impossible act ever performed. Nothing Lance says can change this. From the moment he slinks into frame to stand in front of the curtain Lance hung on the wall of his mother’s dining room, Nate demonstrates that his body is incapable of “cool.” He moves like a gorilla sneaking away in a zookeeper’s uniform and certain he’s not getting away with it. Please meet Nate:
Lance seems to know the miracle he has found in his friend Nate. He is a walking “before” picture for this ridiculous “confidence building” system, and Lance uses him as an example for everything. To show the power of confidence, he puts bad pickup lines on celebrity headshots and then those same pickup lines on pictures of Nate’s goofy ass. But his mean-spirited plan may have backfired, because you will vote Nate every time.
One of the things we love about movies is that we always know who to root for. Movies make it incredibly clear who the hero is, and who the villain is. The thing is, sometimes those bad guys actually turn out to be the heroic ones. So we asked our readers to right some great wrongs by explaining how some movies completely mix up the hero and the villain, in their own stories. And we gave cash to our favorites.
The winner is below, but first, the runners-up:
And the winner is …
If you’ve been alive for more than five minutes, you know that pretty people have it easier. They have more friends, more romantic partners, they’re more confident … it’s the next best thing to being born rich, right? But it turns out your attractiveness level affects way more than whether or not you get to star in the next Thor movie. For example …
As an extremely liberal, extremely gorgeous man, my gast was downright flabbered when I learned that, according to this research, attractive people are more likely to lean toward being conservative. Now, you might say, “Well, this obviously not true, as most conservative political pundits look like someone sculpted a grandfather entirely out of farts,” but I have science to back me up.
The research looked at two particular studies, one taken over a few years in the mid 1970s, with the other surveying a group of participants from 1957 all the way to 2011. Both studies asked the participants to evaluate people based on appearance and physical characteristics, and though not all liberal people are unattractive, just as the Republican party isn’t a parade of Patrick Swayzes, the studies did show that: 1) When we look at attractive people, we tend to unconsciously associate other positive traits with them, and 2) attractive people tend to have to jump through fewer hoops when it comes to getting their way.
So while attractiveness, as a researcher said, only “gives a person a small push in the conservative direction,” the idea that no one really has privilege and everyone gets the same opportunities in life is kind of the conservative bread and butter. Well, attractive people are, to some degree, less likely to feel the sting of inequality. It’s not clear why anyone needs welfare when people are constantly buying you drinks.
It’s like if you’d never been on a bus in your life, and then someone came up to you and said, “Please support my initiative to make people stop pissing on the bus.” You have no frame of reference for these urine swamp buses, so you’d probably refuse, even though you definitely wouldn’t like it if you actually trudged onto one of them.
Remember Jeremy Meeks? In 2014, Meeks became a meme when his mugshot moistened underwear around the globe. He was convicted on grand theft and firearms charges, but no one cared about that, and after he got out of prison, Meeks literally became a model. And while not all criminals are hideous monsters, the internet shit itself when one turned out to have symmetrical cheekbones. This proved one thing: We expect criminals to be ugly.
And research, the savvy little scamp that it is, backs that up. Two economists studied data on 15,000 high school students from their teens into early adulthood, and found that those ranked less attractive were consistently more likely to end up as criminals than those ranked as having average looks. Those with average looks were more likely than those considered very attractive. The researchers speculated that since being unattractive makes you less likely to get hired for a job (and even if you do get hired, you’re likely to earn less money), you’re kind of being nudged toward a life of crime.
As a secondary kick in the pants for the facially challenged, there’s also research that shows the less attractive you are, the more likely you are to face stiffer punishments for your crimes. As a society, we really put a lot of effort into making ugly people regret their appearance, both consciously and unconsciously.
According to most of pop culture, scientists are people with huge glasses, greasy hair, and unfashionable faces. You know, nerds. It’s a trope a lot of people assume is true in the real world. That’s why when a hot lady plays a scientist in a movie, people are quick to point out how “unrealistic” it is. Plus, look at real-life geniuses like Alfred “My hair looks like my skull is exploding” Einstein and Isaac “Sorry, my face just looks like this” Newton. Those were some fucky-looking dudes.
Researchers even did an experiment wherein they showed people photos of actual scientists and asked them to predict the competence of each. Subjects assumed the hotter scientists were worse at their jobs, I guess based on the assumption that they banged their way to the top of the astrophysics department. All of this is despite the fact that in reality, attractive people tend to be more intelligent.
In fact, teachers will actually put less effort into teaching kids they don’t think have attractive qualities. We don’t mean they find your kid attractive in a creepy way; just that if your kid has features that are generally considered unappealing, their teachers crank up not giving a shit to higher levels.
The best guess as to how all of this works is that the very ugliest among us have the highest variance in smarts — they represent both the most and least intelligent. So if you see a guy in a lab coat with Einstein hair, you’ll assume he’s the most brilliant mind in the room. But run into that same person in the park, and you’ll assume they’re about to ask you for spare change. And to complicate things even further …
As I mentioned earlier, and as you already know from your own life, attractive people on average tend to be more successful, for a bunch of different reasons. Yet extremely unattractive peopleactually make the most money of everyone.
The study here analyzed data for 20,000 Americans from when they were 16 until the age of 29, during which time they were interviewed on several occasions as well as ranked on physical appearance. For the most part, the attractive people earned more than the average-looking people, as you’d expect. But the really unattractive people — the ones who incite the townsfolk to storm their castles — those people actually earned more than even the attractive ones.
One theory for why this is holds that when taking other factors into consideration, like openness to experience, very ugly people have an advantage. Attractive people are generally more extroverted and open to new things, which means they tend to try a lot of different stuff in life. The very unattractive rank low on openness, which could mean they’re devoting all of their time to one single pursuit and excluding everything else.
Or put more simply, this is the scientists’ way of saying: “They were studying while everyone else was making friends and having sex.”
What, you thought it was only humans who suffered under this beauty-based caste system?
People who say they love animals usually love puppies and dugongs and whatnot — stuff that looks cute, or at least friendly. But what happens to those animals that look like someone glued ears to a prolapsed asshole and put it in a tree, like the aye aye? Or the tooth-filled scrotum known as the naked mole rat? Those animals get screwed, in the most scientific of ways.
Ugly animals get the same treatment as ugly people: They’re ignored and generally unloved. In terms of animal research and conservation, if you’re not huge, ferocious, or cute as a button, you can go fuck a boot for all anyone cares. Even if the animal is endangered, if it has nothing going for it in a clickbaity sort of way, then you may as well kiss it goodbye. No one is making a video compilation of “adorable mussels reunited with their owners.”
Australia, which straddles the fence between being overrun with adorable koalas and being overrun with terrifyingly gross everything else, is a great microcosm of this in action. Cute animals get the funding, ugly ones get bent. It’s all about pandering to your audience, and if people need to support conservation efforts financially, they want to know their money is going toward saving adorable things.
That’s right, animals: Natural selection isn’t just about looking attractive to other members of your own species. It’s about whether or not we want to nuzzle you.
Human beings don’t like uncertainty. So really, it was only a matter of time before someone calculated the answers to questions like “What’s the value of Princess Peach’s castle?” or “How much wood could a woodchuck actually chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” But then there are the sort of science-researchy types who go to great lengths to answer weird-ass questions we never even knew we had. For example …
A team of scientists / dog lovers / pooping enthusiasts from Germany and the Czech Republic decided it was important to know which direction dogs face when they take a dump. How was this groundbreaking and deeply scientific study conducted? By watching a literal crapload of dog turds. For two years, they observed 70 dogs of 37 different breeds while they were doing their business, documenting a grand total of 1,893 defecations and 5,582 urinations. For science. Remember that the next time you think letting your dog outside is an inconvenience.
While those involved in the study definitely got the shitty end of the research stick, all that dog poop did yield an interesting factoid. The scientists determined that dogs “preferred to excrete with the body being aligned along the North-South axis under calm MF (magnetic field) conditions.” In other words, dogs like to face North or South when they take a dump or a whizz. The research proves that dogs are sensitive to the Earth’s magnetic field, whether they know it or not. Who needs a compass when you’ve got a dog’s ass?
And while we’re talking about this fascinating field of study …
Because you can never have too much scientific information about your dog’s toilet habits, the good people at Cornell did mankind a favor and decided to study how dogs pee. The team walked a bunch of male dogs of all sizes and took measurements of their urine markings. And since they didn’t want to half-ass this thing, researchers also videotaped the dogs as they peed so they could calculate the precise angle at which each dog lifted his leg. Oh sure, when they do it it’s “science,” but when we do it we’re “banned from the park for all eternity.”
Not shockingly, they found that the higher a dog lifts his leg to pee, the higher he applies his urine to the object he’s taking a whiz on. What’s interesting is that smaller dogs consistently lift their legs to a higher angle, thereby depositing their proprietary blend higher on their target object. Since dogs use urine markings to communicate stuff like territory or mating status (it’s basically their Tinder profile, but classier), placement of a dog’s “product” is important. Researchers believe that smaller dogs place their yellow marks as high as possible to make themselves seem larger and “exaggerate their competitive ability.” Whether other dogs buy it or not is unclear. It’s the canine equivalent of buying a 4×4. Everyone knows what you’re compensating for, buddy.
Apparently, somebody once looked at a fruit bat and instead of thinking “eww” or “gross,” they thought, “Man, I wonder how they get it on.” One thing led to another, and there have now been not one but two studies on how fruit bats like to mix it up while getting down.
Researchers spent two summers watching a colony of fruit bats and just waiting for them to get freaky, eventually documenting 57 mating sessions over 1,170 hours of observation. We went ahead and crunched the numbers, and since fruit bats spend about three and a half minutes doing the deed (as you all know), that’s a grand total of 3.3 hours of bat sex … out of 48.75 days of sitting there watching them be bats. That better be some mind-blowing bat sex right there.
And in a way, it was. Researchers determined that about 70 percent of fruit bat couples engaged in oral sex, and that intercourse for fellating couples lasted twice as long as it did for those who went oral-free. Better still, male fruit bats appear to give as good as they get, often performing cunnilingus both before and after mating. They should feel pretty special too, since aside from certain monkeys and certain humans, only these bats are known to do the ol’ 69. Scientists aren’t certain why bats are into oral, but they hypothesize that increased duration of intercourse could improve fertility. Or as one researcher put it, “They could just be doing it for fun.” The researcher then passive-aggressively left the study on their spouse’s desk and crossed their fingers, we’re guessing.
Yes, we’re talking about an actual metal sword here — we’re only allowed one entry on oral sex. Still, the porn industry should find the following findings particularly useful.
This groundbreaking study determined that there are, in fact, side effects to putting a sword down your esophagus, and they’re probably exactly what you’d imagine them to be. Researchers contacted 110 members of the Sword Swallowers’ Association International, 46 of whom consented to take part in the study (the rest just made strange coughing noises). This produced all sorts of interesting statistics, like how many swords these people swallow at once (as many as 16), how long these swords are (up to 31 inches), and the average age at which people learn to swallow swords (25 years old).
Chris Johnson/Adobe Stock
Researchers also found that the most common side effect is … a sore throat. Pain in the chest and lungs were also commonly reported, and most injuries occurred when the swallower was “distracted” or swallowing new or oddly-shaped blades. Shockingly, nobody in the SSAI has died, but six people in the study reported tearing their pharynx or esophagus, and three had to have surgery on their necks. Three participants reported sword-swallowing-related medical bills ranging from $23,000 to $70,000. Since we’re guessing insurance isn’t going to cover injuries you inflict on yourself by voluntarily swallowing sharp objects, you may want to factor that in if you decide to take this up as a hobby.
In 2012, the U.S. government paid a cool $170,000 to UC Santa Barbara to study why coffee spills when you walk with it, presumably as a way to settle the world’s most expensive office bet. In the end, this scholastic masterpiece took us to new heights of understanding, revealing that coffee spills when you walk with it because of “interplay between the complex motion of a cup, due to the biomechanics of a walking individual, and the low-viscosity-liquid dynamics in it.” In other words, your body moves when you walk, and coffee isn’t a solid so it sloshes. But 170k also buys you some nifty charts, so if you need a visual depiction of why coffee spills, here you go:
Despite being stupid expensive, the study was woefully lacking in recommendations for reducing coffee loss. Fortunately, there’s been some additional research on spills, and one study has some solid ideas for keeping your Joe in the cup, most of which will make you look like a complete dork. You can start by strapping the cup to your waist, which eliminates much of the motion that causes sloshing. You can also walk backwards, or order a drink with lots and lots of foam, since that subdues the motion of the liquid underneath it. You could also drink your coffee from a wine glass, which will probably get you some strange looks — and possibly a referral to AA — but should greatly reduce spillage. And finally: Just use a freaking lid.
An ornithologist by the name of Kees Moeliker was working at Rotterdam’s Natural History Museum when he heard the distinctive crashing sound of a duck flying into the glass building. The duck was killed on impact, which is actually the happy part of this story, believe it or not.
So Moeliker was looking out the window at the “obviously dead” duck, as one does, when he witnessed as a second male mallard came around, pecked at the dead male “for about two minutes, then mounted the corpse and started to copulate, with great force, almost continuously pecking the side of the head.” Like most people, Moeliker was “rather startled” by the complete and utter dumpster fire unfolding before his eyes. Unlike most people, instead of running away screaming, Moeliker couldn’t pass up the opportunity to document what was unfolding. He proceeded to watch the duck for 75 minutes, take notes, and “[make] some photographs” while the live duck “almost continuously copulated” with its dead counterpart.
The assault only ended once Moeliker managed to emerge from his can’t-look-away-from-a-car-crash stupor and run off the live duck. As for why this may have happened, it appears forced mating isn’t uncommon among mallard ducks, nor are same-sex couples, with up to one in ten mallard pairs being homosexual. On the other hand, this is the only known case of duck necrophilia, gay or straight, at least according to The Guardian (we’re not gonna Google it). So if you see two ducks going at it, stop to check their pulses. Who knows, you might earn yourself a spot in the annals of ornithology history. Anyway, here’s a dog eating pizza: